The Oliver's Madhouse

When Life Isn't Complicated Enough

When 4 Became 3 ..

on 12/11/2012

This one is straight from the heart and even includes tears as I write.                                                      

My daughter and I have over recent months had a very love hate relationship. I love to nag she loves to hate. Now being 11 she has the pre-teen hormones and recently starting secondary school to boot!

Now what most of you don’t know is Beth and I left her dad when she was 6 months and lived in a Women’s Aid Refuge, we picked ourselves up dusted ourselves down and moved onwards and upwards. We were so close from day one we were a team, She was my sole existence for being, now it is both of my children.

Bethany always craved a family and we finally found ourselves a part of a family over the last 3 years and have loved it. She cried with excitement when she found out she was getting a sibling.

Beth has always maintained a relationship with her Dad and I am a firm believer in Mums and Dads even if not together having a part in their child’s life. This has not been easy by any stretch and many times I have gone above and beyond to help maintain the contact between her and her Dad.

The last few months have been heart breaking, Beth has been so unhappy at times and very angry with all of us. She is constantly craving attention and has done some horrendous things to get it. Not only has she had pre-teen hormones to deal with she has had a constant guilty feeling over not living with her dad. Her dad has from a very young age has been telling her when she was 10 she could decide where she wants to live. (This was never discussed with me)

Her Dad married last year and his wife has 2 children who live with them, both girls, one Beth’s age and one slightly older. Beth constantly looks up to the girls and although one week they fight like cat and dog and the next they are best friends. Her Dad and his family have recently moved into a very large house in which Beth will have a big new room. Money has never been an issue for her Dad unlike us who although not skint we do have to be careful and we have to budget.

Today has been one of the most traumatic days of my life as Beth has decided to go and live with her Dad, and has gone. Although I know she thinks this is what she wants, selfishly I think she has made a massive mistake; my heart has broken and will never be fixed. My life for the last 11 years has been being her mum and now I am not. It won’t be me anymore that does the mum things with her.

In my selfish thoughts right now I hope that this is all about the materialistic things an 11 year old would love and he Dad can give her and that she will see that this is not all life is about. I hope against hope that she will miss me as much as I am missing her.

I have seen my daughter through her first everything, teeth, tears and schools to name a few. I have held her hand in hospital when she was very poorly, and wiped her sick off her face in the early hours of the morning when the dreaded lurgy took hold to many times to remember. I have for the last 11 years existed solely to help her become an independent, bright, intelligent girl and now I am lost. 

I know I still have my little boy and I love him to the moon and back, but I still feel incomplete without her here. I feel like only half of my heart is working and I am finding it difficult to breath.

I have spent the day thinking if onlys and that I let her down in some way. I know some of you will think that I was wrong to let her go (I am thinking that right now too) but all I have ever wanted to do was to make her happy and if this was the only way…. I had to let her go.

I can only sit here now and hope that she sees life will not be any greener, nor will materialistic possessions replace quality time that she needs.

I sit and hope….


35 responses to “When 4 Became 3 ..

  1. Notmyyearoff says:

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I really hope this is a temporary thing and the anger leaves her. Sending you god wishes xx

  2. Suzanne says:

    This is just heartbreaking, what an awful circumstance for you and her. For what it’s worth, I think you have done the right thing by letting her go. If you didn’t, she may well hate you forever. I have an 11 yr old and they can be incredibly strong willed and difficult at times but in my opinion they are not old enough to make a sensible decision like this – what a strange thing for him to say. I can only hope that for your sake this makes your relationship stronger, it may well improve things for both of you. Can imagine the awful doubts and hurt you’re going through right now though :(( xx

  3. […] recent pre-teen hormones and added issues with Beth (When 4 Became 3 & When 4 Became 3 an Update)  it was nice that over Christmas we got to spend some quality […]

  4. […] I have to say thank you so much to all my lovely followers that commented on my recent post ‘When 4 became 3’. As this was such an emotional time for me I felt I wanted to post about this even though when I […]

  5. babybichon says:

    Big hugs hun, it is heartbreaking, but as you said you want her to be happy, and in time she will see things aren’t ‘greener on the other side’ – at that age you think you know everything and what’s best, but actually not appreciating what you have (we’ve all been there!) and your daughter will appreciate all that her mummy can bring, no one else compares. For now she’ll be a ‘Daddy’s girl’, but that soon changes when he’ll be faced with the teenage years, and she’ll come to you for guidance and you’ll have a really good relationship with her. You’ll see, for now it’s so hard, but in the long term fingers crossed all will work out well for all of you x

    • Jaime Oliver says:

      thank you for such lovely words, i cant tell you how much i appreciate them. Trying to make sense of it is getting me nowhere so will eat chocolate and brood! x

  6. Cherry Blossom Rain says:

    I cant imagine how you felt when you heard those words that she wanted to live with her dad..

    Reading this I put myself in your position and imagined if it was Moo saying it to me and it would literally break me in two. Must be awful to be away from her. xxxxx

  7. Bernadette says:

    Aw Jamie, I cannot imagine. Sending all my love & hoping for a very happy ending 🙂 You will always be her mum and she will always love you xxxx

  8. Mummy Plum says:

    What an incredibly difficult situation. I can’t imagine what this must feel like. It must be so hard for you both. I hope she will be nearby so at least you can see her often? I do hope everything works out for you both – as best it can. x

  9. Kris Gregory says:

    I’m so sorry Jaime! You have shown amazing strength and courage and, like you, feel that you have made the only decision that you could but maybe, unlike you at the moment, I believe that girls can not do without their mums and it will only be a matter of time before she turns up on your doorstep, probably at some ungodly hour 🙂 needing the mum you’ve always been. It’s sad but also gratifying that many of us take our mums for granted and the one constant that Beth has is knowing you’re always there. xxx

    • Jaime Oliver says:

      Thanks Kris, i doesnt help that her dad thinks she does no wrong and she is his little princess that is perfect. She adores her dad and she thinks that the grass is greener with them. 😦 x

  10. Oh Jaime I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. I really hope for Beth’s sake that she finds the happiness that she craves so much. I know that you are heartbroken but I really hope that this will make your relationship with Beth even stronger and hopefully when she is older she will be grateful to you for allowing her to make such a huge decision. Sending lots of love and hugs to you xx

  11. 😦 I can only imagine how you feel but I can connect with what you are saying. My daughter, aged 8, quite often says when she is bigger she will live with her dad as like your situation he has the money and at his house she gets whatever she likes.
    I hope if/when it gets to the point she wants to live with him I can be strong and let her do as she pleases too. But I hope between now and the she will learn to appreciate the time and money I spend and that gifts aren’t everything.

    You’re very brave and I hope she realises what she is missing x x

    • Jaime Oliver says:

      thank you, all i want is for to be happy and if that means she doesnt want to be here i cant make as we will all suffer. After speaking with her dad today he says she is staying. 😦

  12. glitzygleam says:

    I really feel for you reading this, but I think you had to let her go, so see could find out for herself, It must of been such a hard decision to make, i’m sure she will start to miss her mummy and come home, big hugs xxx

  13. Oh hun I feel for you, I know for me Eva is my world and has given me a feeling that I am here for a reason so I kinda understand how hard it must be for you right now but to be completely honest with you I think you have done the right thing letting her go. I know for me being stopped from seeing my dad made me want to get to know him more and find out his side of the story. I learnt quite quickly I didn’t want or need him in my life but the fact my mother tried to stop me and made me feel guilty for wanting to know who my father was pushed me to find out the hard way. I’m sure in time she will see you have let her make a big decision regardless of your own feelings to make her happy and she will change her mind and miss her mumy and her baby brother and come running home to you. Don’t punish yourself for letting her go she will see that all you want is for her to be happy and that means more than money and possessions. I truly admire your strength right now, you are an amazing mother.

  14. victoria welton says:

    Oh Jaime, sweetheart, I don’t know what to say. As you know, your story is so like mine and I feel the same way about Grace seeing her father. But my biggest fear for me has come true for you. I here if you need to talk. You are the best Mum a Mum can be if all you want is for her to be happy and have let her go. I believe that she will suddenly realise and want her Mum. I know its not the same, but Grace went to stay with her father for 11 days straight in the summer and she asked me never to let her go that long again. But she is only 5. I dread to think what will happen when she is 11. Massive big hugs to you xxx

    • Jaime Oliver says:

      Thanks honey, she has been so unhappy recently that as harsh as it sounds she needed to go and see for herself if it was where she wanted to be. If i had held her back she would of resented me all the more.

      I will keep my fingers crossed that i have done the right thing and she will make the right choice. x

  15. katie says:

    A very brave blog to do jaime, I can only imagine what your feeling right now, I’m hurting know she isn’t round the corner any more and wondering what’s going to happen now. I love u sis and the olivers will now do what they do best stay strong xxx
    katie xx

  16. thisdayilove says:

    Reading this post am very touched and can feel your pain. I wish I could offer some advice or provide you with some comfort. All I can say from reading this is it is clear you love your daughter and I am sure she will realise how lucky she is to have you as her Mum. No matter where she lives no one can ever take that away.

    • Jaime Oliver says:

      thank you, i always said i was never going to get too personal on my blog but i found that even though i have told her how i feel, writing it helped. x

  17. Thechristmasfox says:

    I didn’t want to read and run. I am so sorry, this must be heart breaking 😦 I did the same thing as your daughter and decided to live with my dad. It didn’t work and I now have a fantastic relationship with my mum. ****hugs***

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