The Oliver's Madhouse

When Life Isn't Complicated Enough

I Am No Victim …. I Am a Survivor

on 02/11/2012

Over recent months I have had such an overwhelming sense of wholeness and have spent some time reflecting on parts of my past that have made me who I am and made me the person i am today.

This story starts after the breakdown of my 1st marriage in 2007. It was a scary time for me and Bethany. Although my husband and I had been together 5 years we only managed 9 months married. Now don’t get me wrong we didn’t hate each other or have affairs, we simply were unhappy and decided to call it a day. My ex hubby stayed in what was our matrimonial home and I bought another house and moved away

After the split I was working full time and found I was quite isolated so joined some on line dating sites. Now don’t get me wrong I met some lovely people and have even remained friends with a couple of nice guys so that in itself was not the problem!

In October of 2007 I met a guy and fell completely head over heels (gone was all sanity) a few months in, he started to give me snippets of information about his past life but nothings concrete, I was lead to believe that he had had some issues in the past and he was trying to turn his life around (Where were the hills, that I should be running for?) Firstly his 2 children, who I was informed had been adopted to another couple as he and his ex-partner were too young to cope (I pulled out violins) 7 months in I was told he had a fight with another bloke in town and he was on probation (where were the alarm bells?) Next came the past problems with drugs and his insistence on wanting to get clean (what did I know I have never taken drugs nor would I want too). In my naive love sick state I thought I could help, I thought he could change and that he wanted too, I genuinely thought this was love.

Looking back in hindsight over the time we were together I cannot believe that any sane, rational, sensible human being would not have seen what was coming, yet I didn’t  I had meetings with his Probation Worker and Drugs Councillors as I wanted this relationship to be out in the open and I wanted to make it work and I wanted to help him.

At about this point in time things seriously started to change, he was back on drugs, drinking, selling anything he owned for money (and anything he could get his hands on that was mine) he  also very aggressive. The thing that affected me most of all I have to say was the lying. He would say he was somewhere and then would either trip himself up once sober again or he would get caught out. He was seeing numerous people behind my back but at by this time my confidence was so low it became the norm, however he denied it adamantly. I really started to begin to think that this was all my fault and that I was completely nuts.

During this relationship there had started to be an escalation to the violence at first it was a shove or push then it became scary he was increasingly hurting me and destroying my home by kicking in doors, punching walls and he even bite my face.  I was terrified but didn’t know how to get out. I was so convinced that my family and friends wouldn’t want to know me and they too would think this was all my fault I was trapped.

The final act came on September 5th 2009. After attending my very close friend’s wedding. On returning home I realised I couldn’t find my phone so I woke my then boyfriend to ask him if he had seen it. I was then pushed down the stairs from top to bottom (I lost consciousness at some point) on coming too I was then kicked in the head while I was on the floor. As my head was bleeding profusely I knew I needed to get out so I crawled through my living room on my hands and knees; I found the house phone and called 999. (I was so scared that he would wake up from the sofa in which he was sleeping and see what I had done so I hid it under a sofa cushion).  I tried to get out but found i was locked in and he had taken my car keys, house keys and purse.

At this point he woke and realised I was trying to flee, I was then smothered with a pillow. In my head something clicked and I knew if I didn’t fight I would die. I fought and screamed and he finally released me and went to the kitchen. I heard the cutlery draw open and knew what he was going to do: he was going to stab me. I then ran for the front living room window but with it being a bay window and I am only a shorty I couldn’t get out so I opened the window and screamed like I have never screamed before. He was pulling my legs trying to get me back onto the floor but thankfully my neighbours heard. My neighbours phoned the police and I hung on tight to the window and some of the other neighbours began kicking in my front door. When he realised what they were doing and that they were not going away he escaped out the back door and ran off.

After this attack I was taken to hospital and had my scalp glued back together and tons of x-rays however as the blows had been unexpected I had not tensed and was very lucky to have no bones broken.

He was arrested and charged the same night and was remanded in custody. Even after several bail attempts all were denied and he remained in custody until trial in January 2010.

The following months after this I had no choice but to sell my house for a reduced price in order to sell it quickly (I was terrified he would be let out and know where I was) I had tests and appointment to my attended for the damage I sustained to my elbow and I had months and months of counselling. I physically will always have a scar (thankfully with lots of thick hair no one can see it) although you can feel it. I have continued nerve damage to my right elbow which leaves me with regular pin and needles type feelings and I suffer with some Post Traumatic Stress (not all the time just little things that can trigger it)

It emerged after all this his probation worker should of informed the Social Services team and others of his presence in my home and they should of contacted me to support me, knowing what this man’s past had involved. I was just another government statistic in people that were let down by multiple departments and it could of cost me my life. I was supported my Womens Aid and I would of been lost without them.

My past is my past and it makes me who I am today, I am confident, independent and strong. I count my blessings every day and don’t take anything for granted. I know without the past I wouldn’t have what I have now so for that I thank you ex-boyfriend…. I have a perfect hubby and children and although we are not financially rolling in it we love each other and team Oliver is strong, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

* He received a 2 year prison sentence at Crown Court followed by a 2 year probation order for this attack.

(please note the pictures were taken 19 days after the attack)

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28 responses to “I Am No Victim …. I Am a Survivor

  1. Oh my goodness 😥 that is so terrible. You are so, so strong! Lots of hugs to you xxx

  2. […] My main regret is not getting out a violent relationship sooner (I Am No Victim … I Am A Survivor) […]

  3. I can only imagine how hard it was to write this post and have to relive those times and that awful night. You have been very brave and by sharing you increase awareness for all, including myself, of the hell of domestic violence. I’m so pleased that you are now in a positive and good place.

    • Jaime Oliver says:

      Thanks Sarah, i can speak and write about it now, although i do find i am quite factual and unemotional about it, i think this means i am putting it into a box to move on from. It is still very scary that before this i thought it would never happen to me…

  4. Clare says:

    Wow!! You are amazeballs!!! Xxxxxx

  5. Wow, what an incredibly brave, honest post to write. You deserve all the happiness in the world. X

  6. mumtales says:

    Wow, what an emotional post. I think you were very brave to write this and have done so brilliantly. Well done for escaping and continuing to be a survivor. Glad it all worked out for you x

  7. Victoria says:

    Well done for being strong enough to get away and to write this post – and for getting your daughter away from him too. Some people stay forever and don’t survive. You did. And you deserve all the happiness you get. I’m not quite in a place where I can write mine – and I’m not sure if I ever will be but as the 16 Days of Action Against Domestic Violence is coming up and Sunday 25th is International Day for Elimination of Violence Against Women then I shall certainly be something to support Women’s aid and the important work they do xxx

    • Jaime Oliver says:

      It does make me want to repay Women Aid for their continued support they were amazing at the time and were for many many months after. They really were fantastic.

      Vicky you will get there, even a few months ago this subject made me feel so emotional and sore, its just the last few weeks i have left i can now be honest and open and say this happened to me and i am through the other side xx

  8. Gherkin says:

    Wow – what an emotional post. I have nothing but respect and admiration for your strength and courage to get out of an awful situation and build your life again.

    • Jaime Oliver says:

      Thank you i really appreciate you kind comments.

      At the time i didn’t feel very strong! however looking back to the place i was at i must of been as i felt scared to go out on my own, felt scared of any noise and shadow. I do still have my little moments of immense insecurity and i can be a nightmare to live with but i love where i am at now x

  9. Mummysknee says:

    Oh my word, what an awful experience. You are obviously a beautiful person inside & out to be able to get over that & trust someone again. I’m so happy that you are now free & out of it. So many stay & I know how hard it is to leave. You always tell friends to do it but really when it comes to it, it seems so scary. Big hugs. X

    • Jaime Oliver says:

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. For months before the final night i knew my family didn’t like him and were worried sick it was such a massive thing to make sure i never went back. I really couldn’t of done it without my parents they were amazing.

  10. Mummy Plum says:

    I am so relieved that this terrifying story had a happy ending and that you are in a good place in your life today. x

  11. goodness me Jaime, I was gripped by your post, saying oh my gosh or words to that effect all the way through! It has never happened to me & I am so sorry it did to you & so pleased you have the family you do now x

    • Jaime Oliver says:

      it really does feel like a bad dream, i just hope one day there is something that can be done to warn others before they get involved with violent offenders.

      thanks for taking the time to read and comment x

  12. Deborabora says:

    such a brave post & an even braver lady. Thank you for sharing x

  13. mumstodolist says:

    You are so brave for sharing this, and so strong for coming through something that no one can truly understand unless they have been there. Xx

    • Jaime Oliver says:

      Thank you honey, when i think about this time in my life its as if i am looking at someone else’s life it is such a massive world away from where i am right now.

      xx

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